I know that this may sound a little odd, but I believe that you can measure a person's worth, at least on a foodie scale, by the mustard that you find in their kitchen. To begin, we need to define the different sorts of mustard.
Yellow Mustard - is best represented in the US by French's, the king of mustard if measured by sales, but the fool of mustard from the standpoint of task, and clearly the lowest mustard on the foodie scale. In fact, it is the only mustard to rank by itself...at the bottom.
Brown Mustard - this is certainly a step up from yellow mustard, but a case can be made that it is only a small step. However, it must be noted that the category of Brown Mustard is actually very wide, ranging from fairly mundane mustards like Guldens (my favorite) up to very spicy deli mustards with their roots in the New York Delis.
Seeded Mustard - some might consider this among the brown mustards, but I feel it deserves a place of its own on this list. Seeded mustards are usually spicier than yellow mustard and can be either spicier or not when compared to the brown mustards. The color will be closer to a brown mustard, but the thing that defines a seeded mustard is the texture. Most German Mustards fall into this category, as do many specialty mustards.
Dijon Mustard - I use the moniker of Dijon Mustard rather than French Mustard for two reasons, first, because the French do actually have a mustard similar to yellow mustard, though it is spicier, and second, because it is usually sold in US under this name. Dijon mustards are a little hotter, though certainly not hotter than brown or seeded mustards, but there is a depth of flavor that clearly sets it apart from other mustards.
Chinese Mustard - this is where mustard reaches its spiciest heights. Chinese Mustard may often look like Dijon Mustard, or some of the lighter brown mustard and while it may lack the depth of Dijon Mustard it makes up for then with spice.
Now, on to the Foodie Scale of Mustard.
Which one of these mustards you have in your kitchen says a lot about you, but it not the variety so much as the number of different mustards in your house. Now, here are the rules.
- Yellow mustard can only be counted once.
- Brands don't matter. Guldens and French' s Spicy Brown Mustard do not count as two, nor do two varieties of Dijon Mustard.
- Beyond yellow, spicy brown and Dijon, brands do matter, and points may be counted for decidedly different varieties of Spicy Brown and Dijon, but remember rule #1.
The pinnacle of foodie glory goes to those who have at least 5 varieties of mustard in their house at the same time. You get points for yellow mustard, but not by itself. Remember that you may not count yellow mustard twice and different brands of Spicy Brown and Dijon are not counted. You may have different brands of Seeded, Chinese and Brown mustards, as long as the Browns are not Spicy Browns.
5 puts you at the pinnacle, because it shows that you like different mustards for different occasions. You understand that a corned beef sandwich with yellow mustard is wrong. You know that many recipes will call for specific mustards, and you are ready.
4 varieties of mustard makes you a strong foodie. Again, no counting yellow mustard more than once. You understand that specific foods require specific mustards, and you know that mustard shouldn't be bland and one dimensional.
3 mustards should be the minimum for any civilized household. You may still have yellow mustard for hot dogs (though I prefer Guldens), but you know that there is more to mustard than just yellow.
2 mustards may just mean that you like something other than yellow. That's okay, it's a first step. Maybe, like me, you like Gulden's, or maybe you consider a seeded pub mustard to be the only thing worthy of your special burger. You understand that mustard is more than yellow, but you still have room to grow.
1 mustard is hardly mustard at all. I will give a tiny nod to anyone with only 1 mustard, if that mustard is not yellow. At least you understand that yellow mustard is not the pinnacle of gastronomy.
And lastly, if you have only yellow mustard in your house, then please leave this page and go back to your TV and watch some Monster Truck Racing.
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